1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
