so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
