Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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