You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
