I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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