Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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