you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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