I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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