Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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