just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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