The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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