Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
