My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
