yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Plan B is the new Plan A
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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