You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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