yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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