Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
