good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
