i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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