I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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