So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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