Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
