I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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