the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
