Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
