I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
