i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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