I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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