I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
