Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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