I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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