The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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