Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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