He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
