I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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