my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
