16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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