I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
