Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
