You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
