Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
