you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
