Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
