I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
