never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
stop calling my apartment porn island.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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