I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this just has baby written all over it
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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