I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
