There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
