He kissed a someone with a penis
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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