i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I will be naked everywhere
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
