I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
3 2 1 whiskey
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize